Relationships - Meeting a New Partner

Finding the Right Relationship

Despite the many dating apps available, finding the right partner is difficult as ever. Is it because we want too much? Do we want ‘the perfect partner’ (which doesn’t exist), and are we unwilling to compromise? If we are lucky enough to think we have found a match, will we have the staying power to negotiate the ups and downs that inevitably exist in every relationship?

Finding a Healthy Relationship

What sort of a partner will suit you? Be clear about what you are willing to settle for and the non-negotiables.

Things to consider are:

• Common interests

• Shared values and beliefs

• Sense of humour

• How much time you can spend together/want to spend together?

• Are you looking for a long-term relationship or short term?

• Can you both cope with each other's work commitments?

While social media and dating apps seem to put physical attraction at the top of the list, it’s good to remember that a person’s character and personality can be their winning feature.

Review your thoughts on when it’s right for you to sleep with someone. Is it ok on the first date, the tenth date, after a few weeks or months? Whatever is decided has to work for both parties. Stick to your values and beliefs – the right person will respect that.

If it’s just about having sex, then accept that is what you and the other person want.

From the very start, there should be:

• Honest communication

• Authentic affection and feelings

Do things you both enjoy and give yourselves a chance to get to know each other. If at any time something comes up that you cannot compromise on (for example, one person does not want children; the other does), then bring your thoughts out into the open and discuss. Speaking openly can prevent heartbreak and misunderstandings later.

Having different views is normal. You have different backgrounds and, therefore, will have different attachment patterns. Understanding the patterns you are running is really useful in helping you communicate effectively with your partner. We will focus on attachment patterns in more detail in another blog.

Accept your shortcomings

Awareness and acceptance of our shortcomings are crucial for good relationships. If at any time you feel manipulated or confused by the other person's behaviour, it’s time to think again. If the other person is making demands you cannot keep, then communication is vital.

Boundaries

No matter how loving our relationship is

there should always be healthy boundaries. Boundaries help define what we are comfortable with and how we’d like to be treated by others.

Healthy boundaries are an integral part of healthy relationships because they help us maintain balance in all our relationships so we know what is expected. Not having healthy boundaries usually leads to disregarding another's beliefs, values, needs and wants. Potentially this can lead to abusive relationships. We will look in more detail at boundaries in another blog.

“We have to recognise that there cannot be relationships unless there is commitment, unless there is loyalty, unless there is love, patience, persistence.” – Cornel West

Patience

Rushing a new relationship never ends well. New relationships can be a roller coaster of emotions, so it’s best to take your time and enjoy the journey. Let your feelings flourish, but at the same time, continue with your usual hobbies and friendships.