Resolving Conflict

Resolving conflict in relationships, especially in couples, is a crucial aspect of building a solid and lasting bond.

Dr. John Gottman's research provides insightful guidance on this matter, particularly through his concept of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse.

These metaphorical horsemen represent communication styles that can predict the end of a relationship: Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness, and Stonewalling. Here's how to resolve conflict in couples by addressing these four horsemen, referencing Gottman's work:

1. Recognise and Replace Criticism with Complaints

Criticism attacks your partner's character, often leading to an escalation of conflict. It's different from voicing a complaint, which targets a specific behaviour.

• How to Resolve: Instead of saying, "You're so lazy! You never do any housework," focus on the behaviour and express your feelings about it. A constructive alternative could be, "I feel overwhelmed when the house isn't tidy. Can we discuss a way to divide the chores more evenly?"

2. Counteract Contempt with Appreciation

Contempt is an expression of superiority that includes sarcasm, cynicism, name-calling, eye-rolling, and sneering. It's the most dangerous of the horsemen and a predictor of divorce.

• How to Resolve: Build a culture of appreciation and respect in the relationship. Regularly express gratitude and admiration for each other. When tempted to respond contemptuously, take a moment to think of something you appreciate about your partner and express that instead.

3. Defuse Defensiveness with Responsibility

Defensiveness is blaming your partner and not owning your part of the problem. It's a natural reaction to criticism but doesn't help resolve conflict.

• How to Resolve: Practice taking responsibility for even a small part of the problem. Instead of saying, "It's not my fault we're late; you're always slowing us down," try, "I can see how my actions contributed to us being late. Let's work together to be on time."

4. Overcome Stonewalling with Emotional Self-soothing

Stonewalling occurs when someone withdraws from the interaction, shutting down dialogue and demonstrating disapproval, distance, and separation. It often happens as a response to contempt.

• How to Resolve: If you feel overwhelmed and need a break, communicate that to your partner. Say something like, "I'm feeling too upset to continue this discussion right now. Can we take a 20-minute break and then come back to it?" Use the time apart to calm down and reflect.

Additional Strategies

• Enhance Your Love Maps: Know your partner's world by asking questions about their preferences, hopes, and dreams.

• Turn Towards Instead of Away: Respond positively to your partner's bids for attention, affection, and support.

• Create Shared Meaning: Build a sense of purpose and shared goals in your relationship.

Conflict is inevitable in relationships, but how couples manage conflict determines the health and longevity of their relationship. By addressing the Four Horsemen constructively, couples can foster a more respectful, affectionate, and trusting relationship. Remember, it's not about eliminating disagreements entirely but about approaching them in a way that strengthens the bond between partners.